Any boy scouts around?

I'm trying to light the fire. It's not going well! We have no firelighters so I'm trying to do it with newspaper and candlewax, it would be ok if we had some sticks but we don't. I'm not hopeful that it'll work. I'm not in the mood to walk to the shop - it's 3 miles away! I need to go outside now and get some fresh air because my lungs are filled with crap. I'm complaining now, but you watch - in September when I've moved out I'll miss the coal fire!